Why Are We Always Arguing?
In the opening
scenario of this chapter, Rachel contributes to an argument in three ways. Can you
identify them?
It’s Wednesday
night. Rachel, 27, is done with chores,
and she’s ready for some well-deserved downtime—finally! She turns on the TV and
collapses into her favorite chair.
As if on cue, Mom
appears in the doorway, and she doesn’t look happy. “Rachel! Why are you wasting
your time watching TV when you’re supposed to be helping your sister with her
homework? You never do as you’re told?”
“Here we go again,”
Rachel mutters, loud enough to be heard.
Mom leans forward. “What
did you say, young lady?”
“Nothing, Mom,”
Rachel says with a sigh, rolling her eyes.
Now Mom is really
angry. “Don’t use that tone with me!” she says.
“What about the tone
you’re using with me?” Rachel shoots back.
Downtime is over . .
. another argument has begun.
Does the above scenario seem familiar? Do you and your
parents constantly argue? If so, take a moment to analyze the situation. Which topics
cause the most conflict? Put a \/ in the boxes that apply—or fill in your own
topic net to “Other”.
§
Attitude
§
Curfew
§
Opposite sex
§
Chores
§
Entertainment
§
Other
§
Clothing
§
Friends
Regardless of the topic, arguing leaves you—and your parents—feeling
awful. Of course, you could just bite your tongue and put on a sho of agreeing
with everything your parents say. But does God expect you to do that? No. it is
true that the Bible tells you to “honor your father and your mother.”
(Ephesians 6:2, 3) But it also encourages you to develop your “thinking ability”
and to use your “power of reason” (Proverbs 1:1-4; Romans 12:1). When you do,
it’s inevitable that you will have strong convictions, some of which may differ
from those of your parent and youths can communicate peacefully—even when they
don’t see eye to eye—(Colossians 3:13).
How can you express yourself without turning normal parents’
problems into open warfare? It’s easy to say: “That’s my parents’ problem. After
all, they’re the ones who are always on my back?” But think: How much control
do you have over others, including your parents? Really, the only person you
can change is you. and the good news is that if you do your prt to ease the
tension, your parents are more likely to remain calm and hear you out when you
have something to say.
So let’s see what you can do to put a lid on the arguing. Apply
the suggestions that follow, and you might amaze your parent—and yourself—with your
newfound communication skills.
·
Think
before your respond. Don’t blurt out the first thing that comes to your
mind when you feel that you’re under attack. For instance, suppose your mom
says: “Why didn’t you wash the dishes? You never do as you’re told?” An
impulsive reply might be, “Why are you nagging me?” But use your thinking
ability. Try to perceive the feeling behind your mom’s words. Usually,
statements with the terms like “always” and “never” are not to be taken
literally. They do, however, indicate an underlying emotion. What might it be?
·
Perhaps your mom is frustrated, feeling that she
is burdened with more than her share of the housework.it could be that she
merely want reassurance that she has your support. if that’s the case, saying “Why
are nagging me?” will get you nowhere—except maybe into an argument! So instead,
why not put your mom at ease? For example, you could say: “I can see you’re
upset, Mom. I’ll the dishes right away.” A caution: Do not lace your words with
sarcasm. Respond with empathy, and your mom will be more likely to soften and
tell you the real problem.
Did You Know?
Working to resolve or
prevent conflict will make life easier for you. In fact, the Bible says that a
person “of loving kindness is dealing rewardingly with his own soul.” –Proverbs
11:17.
“Good people think
before they answer.” –Proverbs 15:28
Today’s English Version
Now think of an
empathetic response you could use that might address the feeling behind the
statement.
Tip: when your parents
speak to you, turn off your music, set aside your book or magazine, and
maintain eye contact with them.
·
Speak respectfully.
Michelle has learned from experience the importance of how she speaks to her
mother. “No matter what the issue is,” she says, “it always comes back to Mom’s
not liking my tone of voice.” If that’s often true in your case, learn to speak
quietly and slowly, and avoid rolling your eyes or giving other nonverbal indications
of your annoyance (Proverbs 30:17). If you feel that you’re about to lose your
control, offer a brief, silent prayer (Nehemiah 2;4). Of course, your objective
is not to get divine help to ‘get your parent off your back’ but to maintain
self-control so that you don’t add fuel to the fire.—James 1:26.
In the space below, write
down some verbal and nonverbal responses (you are prone to make that you would
want to avoid.
Verbal reactions (what you say):
Nonverbal reactions (your facial expressions and
body language):
·
Listen.
The Bible states: “you will say the wrong thing if you talk too much.”
(Proverbs 10:19-Contemporary English Version) So make sure that you give your
dad or mom a chance to speak and that you give your parent your full attention.
Don’t interrupt to justify your actions. Just listen. Later, when they’ve
finished talking, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to ask questions or explain
your viewpoint. On the other hand, if you dig in your heels and press your
viewpoint now, you might only make things worse. Even if there’s more you’d
like to say, right now is probably “a time to keep quiet.”—Ecclesiastes 3:7.
·
Be willing
to apologize. It’s always appropriate to say “I’m sorry” for anything you
did to contribute to a conflict. (Romans 14:19) You can even say you’re sorry
that there is any conflict. If you find it hard to do face-to-face, try expressing
your feelings in a note. Then ‘go the extra mile’ by changing any behavior that
contributed to the conflict in the first place. (Matthew 5:41) For example, if
neglecting a chore has ignited an argument, why not surprise your parents by
doing that chore? Even if you dislike the task, wouldn’t getting it done be better
than facing the consequences when your parents see it’s still not done?
(Matthew 21:28-31) Think of what you stand to gain by doing your part to reduce
the tension between you and your parents.
Successful families have
conflicts, but they know how to settle them peacefully. Practice the skills
outlined in this chapter, and you may find that you can discuss even difficult
topics with your parents—without arguing!
Arguing with a parent is like running on a treadmill—you’ll expend a
lot of energy but won’t get anywhere.
Action Plan
The suggestion in this chapter that I need to work on most is:
I resolve to start applying this suggestion as of (insert date):
What I would l like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is:
What Do You Think?
v
Why do
some of your peers prize the ability to argue?
v
Why does
Jehovah God view an argumentative person as foolish?—Proverbs 20:3.
v
What do
you stand to gain by reducing the tension between you and your parents?
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