How Can I Earn More Freedom?
“I wish my parents would let me venture out a little.”—Sarah,
18.
“I’m always asking my parents why they don’t trust me when I
want to go out with a group of friends. Often, they tell me: “We trust you. We just
don’t trust your friends.” –Christine, 18.
Like Sarah and Christine, do you yearn for more freedom? To get
it, you’ll need to gain the trust of your parents. But trust is a lot like
money. Earning it is hard, losing it is easy, and no matter how much you’re
given, it may never seem to be enough. “Whenever I want to go out,” says 16-year-old
Iliana, “my parents bombard me with questions about where I’m going, the people
I’m going with, what I’ll be doing, and when I’ll be back. I know they’re my
parents, but it irritates me when they question me like that!”
What can you do to get your parents to trust you and give
you more freedom? Before answering that question, let’s look at why trust is
such a hot-button topic between many parents and youths.
Growing Pains
The Bible acknowledges that “a man will leave his father and
his mother.” (Genesis 2:24) Of course, the same can be said of a woman. Whether
you’re a male or a female, a vital objective of adolescence is to prepare you
for adulthood—the time when you’ll be equipped to leave home and perhaps raise
a family of your own.”
However, the transition to adulthood isn’t like a door that
you simply walk through when you reach a certain age. It’s more like a stairway
that you climb, step by step, throughout adolescence. Granted, you and your
parents may have conflicting opinions as to just how far you’ve progressed up
that stairway. “I’m 20 years old, and this is still an issue!” says Maria, who
feels that she’s not trusted when it comes to her choices of friends.
“My parents think that I wouldn’t have the strength to walk away
from a bad situation. I’ve tried telling them that I have already walked away
from bad situations, but that’s not good enough for them!”
As Maria’s comments reveal, the issue of trust can be a
source of considerable tension between youths and parents. Is that true in your
family? If so, how can you earn greater trust from your parents? And if you’ve
lost their trust because of some unwise actions on your part, what can you do
to repair the damage?
Did You Know…
Unlimited freedom is not a
sign of parental love but of parental neglect.
·
For
more information, see Chapter 7 of this book.
Tip…
Rather than comparing your present restrictions with the
freedom of an older sibling, compare the restrictions you used to have
when you were younger with the freedom you have now.
Prove Yourself Trustworthy
The apostle Paul wrote to first-century Christians: “Keep
proving what you yourselves are.” (2 Corinthians 13:5) True, he wasn’t
primarily addressing adolescents. Still, the principle applies. The degree to
which you’re accorded freedom often matches the degree to which you prove
yourself trustworthy. Not that you have to be perfect. After all, everyone
makes mistakes. (Ecclesiastes 7:20) Overall, though, does your pattern of
behavior give your parents reason to withhold their trust?
For example, Paul wrote: “We wish to conduct ourselves
honestly in all things.” (Hebrews 13:18) Ask yourself, “What kind of track
record do I have when it comes to being up front with my parents about my
whereabouts and activities?” Consider the comments of a few youths who have had
to take a look at themselves in this regard. After you’ve read their comments,
answer the questions listed below.
Lori: “I was secretly e-mailing a boy I liked. My parents
found out about it and told me to stop. I promised that I would, but I didn’t.
This went on for a year. I’d e-mail that boy; my parents would find out. I’d
apologize and promise to stop, but then I’d do it again. It got to the point where
my parents couldn’t trust me with anything.”
Why do you think, did Lori’s parents withhold their trust?
If you were Lori’s parent, what would you have done, and
why?
How could Lori have behaved more responsibly after her parents
first talked to her about the problem?
“When talking to my parents, I am open about my problems
and concerns. I think this makes it easier for them to trust me.” ~Dianna
Beverly: “My parents didn’t trust me when it came to boys,
but now I can understand why. I was flirting with a couple of them who were two
years older than I was. I was also spending long hours on the phone with them,
and at gatherings I’d talk to them and almost no one else. My parents took away
my phone for a month, and they wouldn’t let me go places where those boys would
be.”
If you were Beverly’s parents, what would you have done, and
why?
Do you think the restrictions that Beverly’s parents placed
on her were unreasonable? If so, why?
What could Beverly have done to restore her parents’ trust?
“You must not use your freedom as an excuse for doing
wrong.” ~1 Peter 2:16, Contemporary English Version
Regaining Trust
What if, like the youths quoted above, your actions have
contributed to your parents’ lack of trust? Even if that’s the case, be assured
that you can turn the tide. But how?
Likely, your parents will accord you greater trust and
freedom as you build up a record of responsible behavior. Annette came to
appreciate that fact. “When you’re younger,” she says, “you don’t fully appreciate
the importance of being trusted. Now I feel more responsible, and I feel compelled
to act in a way that will help me retain my parents’ lack of trust in you,
focus on building up a record of trustworthy behavior. You will likely earn
more freedom.
For example, are you dependable in the areas listed below? Put
a checkmark in the box next to any traits you need to work on:
·
Keeping my curfew
·
Being punctual
·
Finishing chores
·
Keeping my room clean
·
Using the phone or computer in a balanced way
·
Following through on my promises
·
Being financially responsible
·
Getting out of bed without prodding
·
Speaking the truth
·
Admitting mistakes and apologizing
·
Other
Why not make a personal resolve to prove yourself
trustworthy in the area you indicated? Follow the admonition of the Bible: “Put
away the old personality which conforms to your former course of conduct.”
(Ephesians 4:22) “Let your Yes mean Yes.” (James 5:12) “Speak truth each one of
you with his neighbor.” (Ephesians 4:25) “Be obedient to your parents in everything.”
(Colossians 3:20) In time, your advancement will be manifest to others. Including
your parents. – 1 Timothy 4:15.
But what if you feel that, despite your best efforts, your parents
aren’t giving you the freedom you deserve? Why not talk over the matter with
them? Instead of complaining that they need to be more trusting, respectfully
ask them what they think you need to do to earn their trust. Explain your goals
clearly in this regard.
Don’t expect your parents to make concessions immediately. No
doubt they’ll want to make sure that you’ll make good on your promises. Use this
opportunity to prove yourself trustworthy. In time, your parents may well
accord you greater trust and freedom. That was the case with Beverly, quoted
earlier. “It’s much harder to gain trust than it is to lose it,” she says, adding,
“I’m gaining trust right now, and it feels good!”
Action Plan
I will be more trustworthy in the following areas:
If I lose my parents’ trust, I will:
What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is:
What Do You Think?
·
Why might your parents hesitate to give you greater
freedom even when you work hard to prove yourself trustworthy?
·
How does your ability to communicate with your
parents affect their willingness to give you more freedom?
In the next chapter: have your parents divorced? How can you
keep your balance when your world seems to have fallen apart?
